What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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