He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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