I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
