why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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