And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
