I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
