my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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