dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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