Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
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I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize