The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
