I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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