Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
