Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
