Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
