I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
