Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you had me at cake vodka
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
