I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
