OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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