Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
