Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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