you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize