I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
