The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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