Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
