hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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