I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
