i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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