I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
