Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
