I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
