it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
