so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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