she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
