1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
