so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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