If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
