I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
