I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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