3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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