wrigley field is MILF paradise
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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