: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
