I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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