Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
