woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
