Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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