i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
