I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
