fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
