evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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