I want to make a zoo with you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
