hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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