I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
