listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
