once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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