I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
