What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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